oceana

Sometimes I want to run around naked in public, screaming "look, I can be naked and you can look at my nakedness and we are not going to hell!!!"

(well, I am, but that's because of all the gay porn I read)

This midnight rant (midnight rants are always a bit shorter than normal rants, plus, it's already 1 a.m.) was brought to you by Oceana's general fedupness (totally a word) with prudishness in general, and in the US in particular. (sorry, but it's true)

I'd just like to remind the internet that the world does not revolve around the United States of America.

As this is a fact, I'd like to remind the US- American part of the internet further that it should not presume to know everything about my country, any other European country, or Europe as a whole simply because they know things about the USA. Europe, as I believe should be obvious, is NOT the US.

And trust me, the frequent occurrence of bare, female breasts on TV and the lack of freely available guns are not the only differences between the US and Europe.

Thank you. I feel better now that we've cleared that up.

I hate AUs where a canon male character is a woman.

I don't mean temporary sex changes, in fact, I love temporary sex changes. So much fun. Such easy slash plot devices. So very good if done correctly, with all the angst and fear that would be involved (though sadly hardly ever written like that.) No, I mean whole universes where Daniel is a woman, or most recently, Cameron is a woman. I think the last one is the most disappointing for me, because I worship synecdochic as an author, and it's even worse when there's a new story of one of your favourite authors appearing on your flist, a story you really want to read, and then you can't because it contains one of your biggest squicks.

I just don't understand the need for this kind of AU. What's the idea, what are people trying to explore? Is it the question what would have been if Cameron/Jack/Daniel whever had been a woman? What wouls have been different? As far as we know, not a damn thing, except that it would have been easier for them to have sex with each other. Unless there's some social criticism in there saying that they wouldn't have been able to have the career they had as a woman, in that case (though I've never read that), in which case I'd just point and laugh and and then gone off to have sex with Sam, who is way sexier than those mutated turned-into-female-thing versions of my favourite men. Oh, you mean they would have been different if they were women?

I agree. They wouldn't have had a penis. Other than that, I don't think we can grasp how they would have been different, because the whole question of why we became who we are is complicated enough without adding the sex issue into it. Especially if the character you are working with has already become who they are. I've never seen it done convincingly. Actually, most people don't even try, they just write a twisted female version of the male characters I love, a woman who swears and is a bit macho and likes to wear leather. All the stereotypes that go into this kind of writing are too much to handle for my brain. It hates it.

And then there is the thing where I like men. I really really like men. I like them for being male. I like to look at them, to touch them, to see them move and be silly little show-offs when they point their guns at things. I like them losing their confidence a little when they see a beautiful woman. All those stereotypes that I can't handle when they are turned into a woman? I like them when they are men. I've nailed the problem, haven't I? I'm a sexist. I don't like the same things in men and women.

Which is not true for several reasons: 1) I would like the same characteristics in men and women, if they were the same. But they aren't. If someone is a woman, their characteristics, they stereotypes they fulfill, will be female. You cannot change that. You may associate some of them with men, but they are not, because that person is a woman. If Jack likes to point his gun at things, that a male thing. If Sam likes to point her gun at things, that's a female thing.
See what I did there? Men and women aren't all that different. Except that they are male and female. And that's what my brain can't handle (and sees not point in ding so): if a character is a man (like Daniel, or Cameron), and is turned into a woman, is put into an AU where he has always been a woman, the things he does should be female things. Except they are not, because DANIEL IS A MAN. Even if he is not.
*brain explodes*
I don't have the feeling I'm making this very clear, but it isn't. (it's a female thing... *g*)

2) The characteristic treats most often given to a man as a woman are the worst male stereotypes. Swearing. Reluctance to clean things. General bad behaviour. Promiscous sexual behaviour. All the things we do NOT like (at least I don't) in the real men we like. And then, at the same time, "typical" female characteristics are introduced, clothes are often emphasized, like someone wearing a skirt, while at the same time, care is taken to show that the turned character is not a "typical" woman (yes, I'm trying to imply that there is no "typical" woman, you don't have to remind me.) This leads to these characters being strange, hybrid creatures, creatures that I would not ever find attractive if I were to meet them in real life, for the simple reason that they are too contructed. Too unreal. I like men. I like women,. I don't think I like mixtures. And that's maybe the worst thing for me personally, that these writers take away my chance to be attractedl, to fall in love a with my characters a little bit more, as it should be after reading a good fanfic.


Before any of those crazy, purple wearing feminists jump me, let me get into the whole sexual equality issue. Well, not the whole one, obviously, just a part of it. Yes, I'm sure by cutting off Daniel/Cameron/Jack's penis you are making a big statement about gender equality, but what about Sam? Why doesn't she ever get turned into a man? (if she does, please sent links). Or, come to think of it, since there are a couple of (bad) slash fics in a number of fandoms where everyone is a man, why aren't there any where everyone is a woman? Oh, right, because then we'd ahve to write femslash, and we aren't too big on the femslash here in happy slasher's land. Femslash, in our subculture ruled by women (sorry guys, but you really are the minority here), is almost rare. Not that I'm unhappy that Sam doesn't get turned into a man more often, I like her just the way she is.

One more thing where I feel as if I have to defend myself before I unleash this Wednesday morning rant into the public: I said that men and women aren't that different. I did NOT however say that they are the same. I'm a woman. I like being a woman. No, I don't think there should be anything I can't do because I'm a woman, and I'm lucky to live in a society where being a woman is actually an advantage. But when I here a feminist say that women should have the same rights as men because there are "the same", I want to scream and yell and hit things.

I am NOT the same as a man. I am a WOMAN. I LIKE being a woman. I can have children, I have breasts, my skin is soft like silk, and when I get down on my knees for a man, it's a whole different dynamic then if I were a man. I thank you very much for not taking this away from me by pretending that I'm the same as a man. I am NOT A MAN.

Yes, all those things I used to show how I am different are sexual things. Breasts, skin, let's not forget the good old vagina (here, finally, I have managed to scare off the last of my few, male readers). Some of you will think that this, in itself, is a discrimination. That I'm reducing women to sexual beings by pointing out there those are the only differences. But isn't that the wole point? That the only thing in which we are, or should be, truly different, are the things that come right from our sex, that I have breast and you, man, don't? In everything else, we are not that different. Except, Sam likes to point her gun at things, she is a woman, if Jack does it, he is a man. And I thank you not to change that.

Caveat commentor: This is a spontaneous, Wednesday morning rant that most likely made me late for work. Even more likely, some of the things in here are exaggerated and simplified for the sake of the argument. I went from not liking Cameron as a woman to gender equality issues in about fifteen minutes, you gotta love fandom, but yeah, it's fifteen minutes. If it had been Thursday, I would probably have seen things a bit differently, and on Sundays I never like men much and I would have never started this rant. Please keep this in mind before you startyelling at me.
Moody, you say?
Hell, sure. I'm allowed to. I'm a woman after all. ;-)

Dear writer,

it's bad enough that you are using the term "the elder man" to describe one of the characters in your fic.

It's even worse that you are using it in a scene where someone has fingers in places of said "elder man" that I cannot mention without putting this under a cut-tag (I'm prude, sue me).

But if all this happens when you are writing Jensen/Jared porn, and the "elder man" in question is Jensen Ackles, then that's just wrong. Incredibly, undescribably wrong. WRONG.

Usually it's the pictures in my head that I need to scrub away after reading bad porn, but this has offended my whole sense of language and writing and just everything so much that I'm almost afraid to read any other porn today, for fear this might happen again. Or that I could start thinking about innocent other characters as "the elder man" when I'm reading porn.

You RUINED my Saturday porn reading!

No love
Hate,
Oceana

Okay, first let me say this: I really appreciate that people are creating fiction archives and are maintaining them, fixing them, improving them etc. I couldn't do it, so I'm glad others can.

Then let me ask you this: if you have an archive, is it really so hard to keep the links to the stories the same, for, say a period of more than three months?

If it is really really hard, impossible to do, I apologize for what I am going to say, but since I know about 100 archives whose links work for years, I will be a bitch and assume that it cannot be that hard to do. So if the fucking NCIS fiction archive changes its links about 10 times a year, I have every right to complain, don't I?

I keep a recs page, and yes, it may not be the best recs page of all times, but I have almost 500 recs up there, 72 of which are NCIS recs. Now, I'm sure there are other NCIS recs sites, but right now I can't think of any with an equal amount of NCIS recs. It's not like I do nothing for this fandom, so I think I deserve the right to be a bit bitchy about this. And one thing I can tell you for sure: it's damn hard to keep a good recs page if you have to update all your links every other months, because they change all the time.

But that's it, no more NCIS fiction archive linking for me unless it's absolutely necessary. And if it wasn't the only NCIS specific archive out there, I would pull my fics as well, cause really, what's the point ofhaving them there if nobody can find them?

//Thursday morning rant

If you need me, I'll be at oceanas_recs changing about 50 links.
*goes off, bitching to herself some more*

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the crediting and the commenting and the generally being nice to the people who make the wonderful icons I use.

But if someone thinks he can order me to be nice, I'd rather use somebody else's icons, no matter how pretty the others are. Is it just me or is there an amazing number of icon posts lately that go like this:

- You HAVE TO credit me!
- You have to comment, otherwise you cannot take an icon.
- Do not ask me stupid questions.
- Blanks are not bases you idiots.
- You have to stand on your head for 30 minutes and praise my icon making skills, you maggots, or I shall not share the pretties.

I comment, I credit, I try to be nice. But I do not appreciate being ordered to do so.


Now let's see what else this day of not-sitting/walking funnily brings.
(*rubs sore coccyx* Ouch.)

I was going to write about last weeks Atlantis, but then I stumbled upon this post about virgins who write sex, and nostalgia_lj's reaction to it (with many interesting comments).
And - after bitching a little at a not-so-innocent bystander, I'd like to make a little announcement.

SEX
is not the same for everyone. People feel different things than other people when they have sex. People like different things than other people when they have sex. People feel different things at different times when they have sex. And yes, even to one person the sex can feel that way on Mondays and another way on Tuesdays! Shock!
You cannot say: Sex always feels like this.
You cannot say: first times always hurt. Anal sex always sucks. Every man comes like crazy when he gets a blow-job (so not true that last one).
You cannot say ALWAYS when it comes to sex. Just as you can't say NEVER.

Well, there are a few exceptions of course:
Assholes are NEVER self-lubricating.
Prostrates are NEVER lickable. (Unless you are cut open and bleeding to death)
And most of all: Penises are NEVER spongy and they are not getting soaked. (yes, I said that before, and I'll say it again. Not spongy. Not soaked. Never.)

Thank you, that is all. I feel better now that I've let off some steam. Maybe I can write that Atlantis post now.

Edited
carolyn_claire has just provided me with the useful information that penises can indeed be spongy. The "Spongy body of a penis" is the anatomical term for the parts of the penis that are filled with blood during an erection. Latin term:
Corpus spongiosum penis
(I'm not kidding.)
My insufficient knowledge of anatomical expressions lead to that mistake, I hope you'll forgive me.
I was thinking of this definition:
1 : resembling a sponge : a) : soft and full of cavities (spongy ice) b) : elastic, porous, and absorbent
2) a) : not firm or solid b) : being in the form of a metallic sponge (spongy iron)
3) : moist and soft like a sponge full of water (a spongy moor)

I think we can agree that a penis isn't spongy in the way that it can soak up water or is porous and absorbent. ;-)

"He sucked him until he was thoroughly wet and soaked."

I've read this phrase about a thousand times, in every fandom, with every pairing. Whenever there's no lube, someone gets sucked until he is soaked and slick enough to fuck without it.
Let me tell you something:

Dicks can't get soaked.

Here's what Merriam-Webster says:

Main Entry: soak
Pronunciation: 'sOk
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English soken, from Old English socian; akin to Old English sucan to suck
intransitive senses
1 : to lie immersed in liquid (as water) : become saturated by or as if by immersion
2 a : to enter or pass through something by or as if by pores or interstices : PERMEATE b : to penetrate or affect the mind or feelings -- usually used with in or into
3 : to drink alcoholic beverages intemperately
transitive senses
1 : to permeate so as to wet, soften, or fill thoroughly
2 : to place in a surrounding element (as liquid) to wet or permeate thoroughly


All of these imply that the spit actually goes INTO the dick.
THAT is not possible. I don't think anyone wants it to be possible either.
I accept that a dick can get soaking wet, because that doesn't mean that the water is IN it, just that it is very wet.

But unless you are blowing SpongeBob, a dick cannot get soaked.

I'm in a bad mood.

One of my favourite communities is stargate_icons.
I can't make icons, so I rely on other people, and some very pretty icons are posted there. I'm very very grateful to all the people who takes the time to make icons and share them with people like me.

But why, I ask myself, do slashers have to post warnings about slashy icons, and shippers don't have to do the same? It's not a community rule, at least I don't think so, but slashers seem to do it out of courtesy for the shippers and others who don't want to be reminded of the pure, sweet love between Jack and Daniel. (I'm allowed to write silly things like that, I'm in bad mood.) Shippers don't do us the same favour.

And really, I hate nothing more than to open an icon post and run right into Jack and Sam sucking face, with hearts and flowers on top. Moving, cause they really want to torture me.
I like Sam, really, but I don't need to be reminded of these things. It's okay to find shippy pics when I read LJ or forums, because I'm the last person to tell anyone which ship they should prefer, or that they are not allowed to show it.

What I hate is that slashers apparently see the need to give warnings about slash, whereas no one (and that often goes for fiction as well) seems to find it necessary to give the same warnings about het.
And Jack/Sam exists onscreen to the same amount as Jack/Daniel. Which is not at all. The interest they have shown in each other is canon, but their "relationship" is not.
So shipping Jack/Sam isn't all that different from shipping Jack/Daniel, or Jack/Teal'c or whoever you want to put together. And if people expect slash warnings, I think I have the right to get het warnings. Especially in icons.

And on days where I am in a bad mood, these things piss me off so much that I rant about them here, usually I'm more forgiving and tolerant. But not today. Bad mood day. So I need to let off some steam.
Which I did, so I think I'll go watch "Beast of Burden" now.
Maybe that will make me feel a bit better.

I'll post my thoughts about Death Knell some time this week, when I'm in a better mood. Because I like this show, I really do, so it might not be a good idea to write an episode review in my current mood.