oceana

I've read some reviews stating that they hated the episode, in fact, going so far as to assume that all of fandom would hate this episode.

Well, here's me, I'm a fan, and I completely and utterly LOVED this episode,



- the Dean pain: OMG he breaks my heart and know I keep saying it, but boy, doe he ever break my heart. I actually had tears in my eyes from the moment when he first walks into that diner and sets up his stuff, because you can just see how he's just lost the ground he's standing on, questioning everything he ever knew and loved, though he's not yet able to process what's happening enough to actually do question, and so he focuses on denial. (the silverware!)

- and then he almost seamlessly switches into big brother-mode. Oh, still with the heartbreak and the questioning and the PAIN, and yes, resentment, maybe even hate for that kid who had everything he never let himself dream of, not kid-Dean trying to be the perfect soldier for his daddy, who (cause you know he did), completely screwed his kids up (even if it may have been for the best), and then went and had a freaking family in secret. But despite all that, Dean switches into big brother mode, suggesting to bring the kid into safety at Bobby's and OMG THIS COMPLETELY BROKE ME.

- also, with Sam going into big brother mode, only who knew that Sam's big brother mode would be to teach the kid how to shoot, whereas Dean just stands there, probably thinking back to when John first took Sam shooting; I bet even back then he thought, why? I'm here to protect Sam, he doesn't need to learn how to shoot, because even back then Dean never wanted that for Sam. We know that Dean carried the family secret with him for a lot longer than Sam, that for the longest time Sam didn't know that they were hunters. That's canon. And I bet back then, when John first took Sam shooting, Dean stood there next to the Impala just like he does today, and I cannot help but feel that what's he's thinking watching Sam and Adam is that they, that Sam, is making the same mistake again, the same mistake John did.

- and everything really isn't what it seems to be, is it? It seems as if Dean is the one who's pissed off that this kid got to go to baseball games for his birthday, whereas he was probably out hunting with his dad, maybe getting a piece of pie in some roadside diner. It seems as if he were jealous. But it isn't really, is it? Dean is the one who understands why his father did what he did, he urges Sam to respect John's wishes. Whereas Sam, as nice and accepting he seems of the new brother, in the end gave me the feeling that he was so jealous of what Adam is having/was having, and what Sam couldn't have, what was taken away from him, that he didn't want Adam to have that life either. Yes, maybe he is trying to warn him off, to make him run, when he gives him his dad's speech, but no matter what he was trying to provoke, you can see how jealous he is that Adam got everything that Sam lost.

- as if this wasn't mind-fuck enough, we then find out that Adam isn't even really Adam, and how screwed is that? There they are, having their lives turned upside down by the discovery, emotions (albeit supressed ones, like we love them for our Winchesters) going crazy, and before they even have time to find out what they are really feeling about the whole thing, the fuckig brother is already dead. Oh, this is almost too beautiful in the way it doesn't let them deal with the whole situation. Poor boys, they are so screwed, and I couldn't love the episode more for doing that to them.

- also, Sam bleeds so beautifully.

- and then there's that thing Dean says in the end, and wow, speechless. It makes total sense to me not only that Dean would say this, but also that he would say it out loud, probably right after he's gotten to that conclusion. Because that's really what this whole show is about, isn't it? Dean living the life as a hunter, the only life he has ever known. But not the only life he has ever wanted, though he wouldn't change for the world. It's what he does. It's what needs doing. And even if he had a shot at quitting, he'd never think about it twice, because this is what his dad wanted him to to, pick up where he left off, saving people, hunting things... It's like one of these things where you look at something else thinking, oh, that's nice, but it's not for me, but you cannot help but wish that your life was one where you would be happy with the white picket fence, that your life would be that simple.

And then there's Sam. Sam, who never wanted to live the life if a hunter, who fought and got away for a while. Who has known a different life, and he sure as hell didn't leave it by choice, but in his heart he knows that hunting is what he needs to do, that there's no escape. That his dad was right all those years ago. And I think he stopped wanting that different life. He stopped wanting white picket fences, and he cannot really understand anymore how anyone else could want white picket fence. Sam, who doesn't want white picket fences because he's lived behind them (figuratively of course), and Dean, who doesn't know how to want them, because he's never even seen one from afar. This is what I see in them, and it rips me apart, and this episode has it all. I could NOT have loved it more.

There.




I apologize for this being all long and rambly, but I'm still picking up the pieces of my heart, and it's 4 a.m. and I really really need to sleep.